…to have your heart-broken?
You feel a part of you burning inside. In the middle of your chest. Slowly. It hurts. You then place your hand on it and make a fist. Hoping it would stop the pain. But no. After some moment, you take a deep breath. The deepest breath you ever did. Wishing it would fill you up and burst all the heartaches you thought you never deserve. But you cannot hold your breath for so long. So you let go. This is the longest exhaled you ever did. You wanted to let out all the air that fills you up. You wanted so bad but you cannot do it any longer. You then breathe, heavily. You never felt this tired before.
And there is this moment when you heard that familiar song or you smell a familiar perfume. And even when you passed by an old place or walked on a familiar road, you remember the moments. You remember him. You still remember. When all you wanted is to forget.
Days pass and time flies. You can smile. You tried taking him off of your mind. And someone mentions his name. You don’t want to care anymore. Trying to become strong and standing firm to these changes brought by him. But he keeps on running through your head. You wanted to know how he is. And all the steps you’ve made to walk far from him were wasted. Because at the end of the day, you keep on looking back. But there is no one to look back to.
You became aloof to people at one point. You wanted to be alone. And just feel sad. But you also need someone to be with you and listen. Like being in a room full of people but not wanting to open up any conversation. Instead, you chose to stay away from all the thoughts and stare out to nothingness. And the memories came in flooding your whole being. Your eye contacts, those smiles and smirks, his laugh and silence. The way he looks at you and the overwhelming feeling you once felt. It all came rushing to your mind and your lips started to make a beeline. Trying to stop the tears that just fall. You pity yourself. Wondering how on earth you deserve such treatment. Those low weeps and whimper. The heavy breathing. And you, again, are crying. And no one is there to hand you a hanky or tap you on the back because you chose to be alone. You chose to stay away from people. You chose to be hurt all over again. And you break inside once more.
That is just some of the many worst things that happen to you. After he left you. After he’s gone.